US Loses Measles-Free Status After Nation Collectively Decides Spots Are 'Kind Of Cute Actually'
International health body confirms America is once again 'doing measles,' a phrase experts stress should never have needed to exist.
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
GENEVA — The World Health Organization confirmed Thursday that the United States has officially lost its elimination status for measles, a designation the country held for over two decades before apparently deciding that two decades was more than enough and it was time to try something new. The announcement was made at a somber press conference during which WHO Director of Preventable Things Dr. Helmut Braunschwagger visibly pinched the bridge of his nose for eleven uninterrupted minutes.
"We are saddened to report that the United States, a nation that once put a man on the moon and invented the Roomba, has chosen to re-enter a romantic relationship with a virus it broke up with in the year 2000," Dr. Braunschwagger told reporters. "This is the epidemiological equivalent of texting your ex at 2 a.m. Except the ex gives you a rash."
Sources close to the outbreak say the measles virus, reached for comment via petri dish, expressed that it was "just happy to be back" and had already begun updating its LinkedIn. The virus reportedly listed its current location as 'Greater Continental United States' and described itself as a 'self-starter with strong transmission skills and a passion for unvaccinated communities.'
American officials responded swiftly, with the newly appointed Deputy Undersecretary for Diseases We Already Fixed, Chad Plimpton-Hurst, releasing a 47-page statement confirming that the government is "aware of the spots" and has convened a task force to meet quarterly to discuss potentially scheduling a meeting. Plimpton-Hurst assured the public that the administration takes the matter "as seriously as anything that doesn't trend for more than 48 hours."
Public reaction has been mixed. A recent poll conducted by the Ramming Rhino Institute for Numbers found that 34% of Americans were deeply concerned, 29% were mildly concerned, 22% confused measles with IKEA furniture, and 15% described themselves as "pro-rash, anti-establishment." Health officials stress that vaccination remains the most effective tool available, adding that it is also, and they cannot emphasize this enough, a real thing that works.
As of press time, measles had been spotted in 31 states, three airport Chili's locations, and one pilates studio whose owner described the outbreak as "cleansing."
