Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang Ousted After Board Discovers He Has Been A Golden Retriever In A Leather Jacket This Entire Time
Sources confirm the dog 'fetched' the company to a $3 trillion valuation, but shareholders draw the line at the tennis balls in the boardroom
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
SANTA CLARA, CA — Nvidia's board of directors voted unanimously Tuesday to remove CEO Jensen Huang from his position after a routine HR background check revealed that Huang, the visionary semiconductor leader credited with pioneering the modern AI revolution, is and has always been a golden retriever named Biscuit wearing a custom-tailored leather jacket. The discovery, described by insiders as 'both shocking and, in retrospect, completely obvious,' has sent Nvidia shares tumbling in premarket trading.
"We noticed some irregularities," said Chief Human Resources Officer Tamara Blint, speaking from behind a desk she was visibly gripping for emotional support. "Primarily the panting during earnings calls. We assumed it was passion. It was not passion. It was panting."
Biscuit, 11, who in dog years has been running one of the most valuable companies in human history since approximately the third grade, reportedly issued a formal response to the board's decision by knocking a potted ficus off a conference table and staring at it. His legal team, the prestigious firm of Woof, Woof & Associates, released a statement calling the termination 'ruff,' which sources say took three weeks to draft and smelled faintly of kibble.
The board has named interim CEO Dr. Gerald Praxis, formerly the company's Senior Vice President of Thinking About GPUs Very Hard, to helm the company while a search is conducted. Praxis addressed employees in an all-hands meeting Wednesday morning, assuring them that core operations would continue uninterrupted and that the leather jacket had been dry-cleaned and was available for anyone who wanted to 'give it a sniff for morale purposes.' Several executives reportedly took him up on this.
Analysts on Wall Street have reacted with cautious optimism, noting that while the revelation is unprecedented, Biscuit's eleven-year tenure produced compounded annual returns that no human CEO has matched. 'Honestly, this raises more questions about the humans than the dog,' said Meridian Capital analyst Foster Gleam in a note to clients. 'Our price target remains unchanged. The dog was good at the job. The dog was very, very good at the job.'
At press time, Biscuit was seen in the Nvidia parking lot chasing a Waymo robotaxi, which three different departments have already filed as a potential acquisition target.
