MARKETS: Rhino Index Plummeting as Investors Panic Over Lack of Edible CurrencyWEATHER: Meteorologists Predict Imminent Rain of Literal FrogsBUSINESS: Amazon Cargo Plane Crashes Into Miami After Pilot Distracted By 47 Unskippable Pre-Flight AdsSCIENCE: CDC Recommends Americans Receive Flu Shot, COVID Booster, And One Firm Handshake From A Stranger Named GeraldPOLITICS: Republicans Attempt To Redraw District Lines Using Actual Crayons, Accidentally Create Nation's First Congressional Smiley FaceBUSINESS: Amazon Cargo Plane Overshoots Runway, Delivers 47 Packages Directly Into Cuban Airspace With Unprecedented Two-Day ShippingPOLITICS: Xi Jinping Arrives In U.S., Immediately Challenges Biden To Costco Food Court DiplomacyWORLD: Dozens Of U.N. Delegates Walk Out During Speech, Walk Directly Into Wrong Building, Spend Three Hours In Danish Tax SeminarPOLITICS: Federal Judge Orders White House To Let CNN Reporter's Emotional Support Ferret Back Into Briefing RoomWORLD: Hurricane Nolo Reportedly Offended By Hawaii's Lack Of Enthusiasm, Threatens To Go To Florida InsteadENTERTAINMENT: Macklemore Announces 'Free Palestine' Tour Featuring Only Thrift Store Venues And One Very Confused Ed Sheeran In A CageWORLD: UN Warns 230,000 Yemenis May Be Displaced By World's Largest Unsupervised Game Of Musical ChairsMARKETS: Rhino Index Plummeting as Investors Panic Over Lack of Edible CurrencyWEATHER: Meteorologists Predict Imminent Rain of Literal FrogsBUSINESS: Amazon Cargo Plane Crashes Into Miami After Pilot Distracted By 47 Unskippable Pre-Flight AdsSCIENCE: CDC Recommends Americans Receive Flu Shot, COVID Booster, And One Firm Handshake From A Stranger Named GeraldPOLITICS: Republicans Attempt To Redraw District Lines Using Actual Crayons, Accidentally Create Nation's First Congressional Smiley FaceBUSINESS: Amazon Cargo Plane Overshoots Runway, Delivers 47 Packages Directly Into Cuban Airspace With Unprecedented Two-Day ShippingPOLITICS: Xi Jinping Arrives In U.S., Immediately Challenges Biden To Costco Food Court DiplomacyWORLD: Dozens Of U.N. Delegates Walk Out During Speech, Walk Directly Into Wrong Building, Spend Three Hours In Danish Tax SeminarPOLITICS: Federal Judge Orders White House To Let CNN Reporter's Emotional Support Ferret Back Into Briefing RoomWORLD: Hurricane Nolo Reportedly Offended By Hawaii's Lack Of Enthusiasm, Threatens To Go To Florida InsteadENTERTAINMENT: Macklemore Announces 'Free Palestine' Tour Featuring Only Thrift Store Venues And One Very Confused Ed Sheeran In A CageWORLD: UN Warns 230,000 Yemenis May Be Displaced By World's Largest Unsupervised Game Of Musical Chairs

Legal Department (Cardboard Division)

Privacy Policy

Last updated: Whenever. We don't keep track of things.

1. Information We Collect

We collect the following information: your reading habits, your browser type, your approximate location, your exact location, your mother's maiden name, the name of your first pet, what you had for breakfast, and that embarrassing thing you searched for at 2 AM last Tuesday. We also collect your aura color, which we determine by holding a crystal up to our server and squinting.

2. How We Use Your Information

We use your information to improve our content, target you with advertisements for products you already bought, send you emails you didn't ask for, and occasionally stare at your data menacingly. We may also use your data to power our proprietary 'Vibe Engine,' which determines whether you would enjoy an article about a rhinoceros running for office. (You would. Everyone would.)

3. Information We Share

We share your information with: our pet rhinoceros Gerald, a guy named Dave who hangs around the office, the collective unconscious, and approximately 847 third-party advertisers who are very interested in your breakfast choices. We do not share your information with law enforcement, because frankly, we lost their number.

4. Data Security

Your data is protected by a series of increasingly aggressive firewalls, a moat (metaphorical), and a security guard named Frank who hasn't slept since 2019. We encrypt your data using a method our IT department describes as 'probably fine.' In the event of a data breach, we will notify you by whispering your name into the wind and hoping you hear it.

5. Cookies

We use cookies. We use a lot of cookies. Chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin (controversial), and the digital kind that track you across the internet. By using this website, you consent to all cookies, including the ones we haven't invented yet. If you disable cookies, the website will judge you silently.

6. Your Rights

You have the right to: request a copy of your data (we will send you a handwritten note that says 'no'), request deletion of your data (we will delete it and then immediately forget we deleted it, which is technically the same as deleting it), and opt out of targeted advertising (we will still target you, but we'll feel bad about it).

7. Children's Privacy

Our website is not directed at children, but children are welcome to read it, provided they understand that everything here is made up and that real rhinoceroses cannot, in fact, hold public office. If you are under 13, please ask a parent before reading our articles about existential dread.

8. Changes to This Policy

We may update this privacy policy at any time without notice. When we do, we will change the 'last updated' date at the top of this page to a different date that is also not the actual date. By continuing to use this website, you agree to whatever we decide the policy is at any given moment.

9. Contact Us

If you have questions about this privacy policy, please contact our Data Protection Officer, who is a cardboard cutout of a lawyer propped against a filing cabinet. The filing cabinet is locked. We've lost the key. Alternatively, you may contact us by shouting your question into the void and waiting for a response. The void is very busy and may take 6-8 business eternities to reply.

MARKETS: Rhino Index Plummeting as Investors Panic Over Lack of Edible CurrencyWEATHER: Meteorologists Predict Imminent Rain of Literal FrogsBUSINESS: Amazon Cargo Plane Crashes Into Miami After Pilot Distracted By 47 Unskippable Pre-Flight AdsSCIENCE: CDC Recommends Americans Receive Flu Shot, COVID Booster, And One Firm Handshake From A Stranger Named GeraldPOLITICS: Republicans Attempt To Redraw District Lines Using Actual Crayons, Accidentally Create Nation's First Congressional Smiley FaceBUSINESS: Amazon Cargo Plane Overshoots Runway, Delivers 47 Packages Directly Into Cuban Airspace With Unprecedented Two-Day ShippingPOLITICS: Xi Jinping Arrives In U.S., Immediately Challenges Biden To Costco Food Court DiplomacyWORLD: Dozens Of U.N. Delegates Walk Out During Speech, Walk Directly Into Wrong Building, Spend Three Hours In Danish Tax SeminarPOLITICS: Federal Judge Orders White House To Let CNN Reporter's Emotional Support Ferret Back Into Briefing RoomWORLD: Hurricane Nolo Reportedly Offended By Hawaii's Lack Of Enthusiasm, Threatens To Go To Florida InsteadENTERTAINMENT: Macklemore Announces 'Free Palestine' Tour Featuring Only Thrift Store Venues And One Very Confused Ed Sheeran In A CageWORLD: UN Warns 230,000 Yemenis May Be Displaced By World's Largest Unsupervised Game Of Musical ChairsMARKETS: Rhino Index Plummeting as Investors Panic Over Lack of Edible CurrencyWEATHER: Meteorologists Predict Imminent Rain of Literal FrogsBUSINESS: Amazon Cargo Plane Crashes Into Miami After Pilot Distracted By 47 Unskippable Pre-Flight AdsSCIENCE: CDC Recommends Americans Receive Flu Shot, COVID Booster, And One Firm Handshake From A Stranger Named GeraldPOLITICS: Republicans Attempt To Redraw District Lines Using Actual Crayons, Accidentally Create Nation's First Congressional Smiley FaceBUSINESS: Amazon Cargo Plane Overshoots Runway, Delivers 47 Packages Directly Into Cuban Airspace With Unprecedented Two-Day ShippingPOLITICS: Xi Jinping Arrives In U.S., Immediately Challenges Biden To Costco Food Court DiplomacyWORLD: Dozens Of U.N. Delegates Walk Out During Speech, Walk Directly Into Wrong Building, Spend Three Hours In Danish Tax SeminarPOLITICS: Federal Judge Orders White House To Let CNN Reporter's Emotional Support Ferret Back Into Briefing RoomWORLD: Hurricane Nolo Reportedly Offended By Hawaii's Lack Of Enthusiasm, Threatens To Go To Florida InsteadENTERTAINMENT: Macklemore Announces 'Free Palestine' Tour Featuring Only Thrift Store Venues And One Very Confused Ed Sheeran In A CageWORLD: UN Warns 230,000 Yemenis May Be Displaced By World's Largest Unsupervised Game Of Musical Chairs
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Ramming Rhino News is a satirical publication. All articles are parody and for entertainment only. If you're citing us in a research paper, you've made a series of questionable decisions.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Ramming Rhino News ("The Publication," "This Mistake," "The Thing Your Mother Warned You About") is a work of satirical fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and frankly a little concerning. By reading this website, you agree that reality is a construct, facts are merely suggestions, and that a rhinoceros could, in theory, hold public office. The opinions expressed herein do not reflect the views of any organization, government, or sapient mammal. All "facts" presented have been verified by our in-house Fact-O-Meter™, which is a literal spinning wheel in a break room that smells like old coffee. We are not responsible for beverages expelled through nostrils while reading, awkward conversations started by sharing our articles, or any diplomatic incidents arising from mistaking our content for actual news. Our "sources" include a guy named Dave who "heard something at the gym," a magic 8-ball with anger issues, and the collective unconscious of a species that once thought radium was a health supplement. If you have been harmed by our reporting, please contact our legal department, which consists of a cardboard cutout of a lawyer propped against a filing cabinet. The filing cabinet is locked. We've lost the key. Side effects of reading Ramming Rhino News may include: uncontrollable smirking, sudden distrust of legitimate news sources, the urge to send articles to your uncle who "won't get it," and a persistent feeling that the real news might actually be the satire. No animals were harmed in the making of this website, though one rhinoceros was mildly inconvenienced. © 2026 Ramming Rhino News. All Rights Reversed.

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