Legal Department (Cardboard Division)
Privacy Policy
Last updated: Whenever. We don't keep track of things.
1. Information We Collect
We collect the following information: your reading habits, your browser type, your approximate location, your exact location, your mother's maiden name, the name of your first pet, what you had for breakfast, and that embarrassing thing you searched for at 2 AM last Tuesday. We also collect your aura color, which we determine by holding a crystal up to our server and squinting.
2. How We Use Your Information
We use your information to improve our content, target you with advertisements for products you already bought, send you emails you didn't ask for, and occasionally stare at your data menacingly. We may also use your data to power our proprietary 'Vibe Engine,' which determines whether you would enjoy an article about a rhinoceros running for office. (You would. Everyone would.)
3. Information We Share
We share your information with: our pet rhinoceros Gerald, a guy named Dave who hangs around the office, the collective unconscious, and approximately 847 third-party advertisers who are very interested in your breakfast choices. We do not share your information with law enforcement, because frankly, we lost their number.
4. Data Security
Your data is protected by a series of increasingly aggressive firewalls, a moat (metaphorical), and a security guard named Frank who hasn't slept since 2019. We encrypt your data using a method our IT department describes as 'probably fine.' In the event of a data breach, we will notify you by whispering your name into the wind and hoping you hear it.
5. Cookies
We use cookies. We use a lot of cookies. Chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin (controversial), and the digital kind that track you across the internet. By using this website, you consent to all cookies, including the ones we haven't invented yet. If you disable cookies, the website will judge you silently.
6. Your Rights
You have the right to: request a copy of your data (we will send you a handwritten note that says 'no'), request deletion of your data (we will delete it and then immediately forget we deleted it, which is technically the same as deleting it), and opt out of targeted advertising (we will still target you, but we'll feel bad about it).
7. Children's Privacy
Our website is not directed at children, but children are welcome to read it, provided they understand that everything here is made up and that real rhinoceroses cannot, in fact, hold public office. If you are under 13, please ask a parent before reading our articles about existential dread.
8. Changes to This Policy
We may update this privacy policy at any time without notice. When we do, we will change the 'last updated' date at the top of this page to a different date that is also not the actual date. By continuing to use this website, you agree to whatever we decide the policy is at any given moment.
9. Contact Us
If you have questions about this privacy policy, please contact our Data Protection Officer, who is a cardboard cutout of a lawyer propped against a filing cabinet. The filing cabinet is locked. We've lost the key. Alternatively, you may contact us by shouting your question into the void and waiting for a response. The void is very busy and may take 6-8 business eternities to reply.