Trump Signs Executive Order Requiring All American Homes To Be Refinanced In Gold Doubloons By 2026

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump signed a sweeping executive order Monday afternoon mandating that all American mortgage payments be converted from U.S. dollars to certified gold doubloons, effective January 1, 2026, citing what he called 'the greatest, most beautiful currency ever to sail the seven seas.' The order, which sources say was drafted on a cocktail napkin from Mar-a-Lago's Crow's Nest Lounge, also eliminates all mortgage insurance fees and replaces them with a mandatory firm handshake and 'a look of genuine commitment.'

'Nobody knows doubloons better than me,' the President told reporters gathered on the South Lawn, gesturing broadly at the sky. 'I had doubloons before doubloons were cool. The Spanish had doubloons and frankly they did a very poor job with them. We're going to do it better, stronger, and the doubloons will be tremendous.'

The Federal Reserve, which was reportedly not consulted, issued a statement describing the order as 'legally novel,' which insiders confirm is central bank language for 'we need a stiff drink.' Fed Chair Jerome Powell was photographed late Monday purchasing a metal detector at a Northern Virginia Home Depot, though his office declined to comment on the acquisition.

Real estate industry groups reacted with cautious alarm. 'Our members have a lot of questions,' said Gerald Wumphrey, Executive Vice President of Concerned Realtors Standing Near a Fax Machine, in a written statement. 'Primarily: where does one acquire doubloons, and is there a grace period for people whose mortgages are currently underwater, which now feels like a more literal problem than it used to be.'

The White House Office of Monetary Swashbuckling, created via a companion executive order signed eleven minutes later, will oversee the transition. Its newly appointed director, Rear Admiral Biscuit Thornton (Ret.), held a brief press conference in which he assured the public that a national doubloon distribution center would be established in each state, housed in 'whichever Applebee's has the biggest parking lot.' He then said 'Arr' once, appeared to regret it, and left.

As of press time, Zillow had updated its website to include a 'Doubloon Estimator' tool, home values in coastal Florida had inexplicably risen fourteen percent, and at least one HOA in suburban Ohio had already sent a strongly worded letter warning residents that doubloon storage chests must not exceed regulation fence height.