Alberta Votes To Stay In Canada After Learning Canada Comes With Free Healthcare And Tim Hortons
Province also cited concerns that independence would require them to invent their own geese, which experts warned could take decades
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
EDMONTON — In a stunning referendum result that political analysts are calling 'predictable in retrospect,' Alberta voters rejected independence from Canada late Tuesday evening after a last-minute government pamphlet reminded residents that separation would technically make them responsible for sourcing their own Timbits. The vote, which concluded 68% in favor of remaining Canadian, is being hailed as a decisive victory for Prime Minister Mark Carney, who reportedly celebrated by nodding slightly and returning to whatever it is prime ministers do in the evening.
'We looked into it,' said Dale Furtenbacher, Alberta's Deputy Minister of Feelings and Regional Grievances, speaking from a podium decorated with a single sad maple leaf. 'Full independence would have required us to establish our own currency, our own military, and most distressingly, our own federal bureaucracy. We already have one federal bureaucracy that ignores us. We're not ready to build something that ignores us from scratch.'
The independence movement, which had gained significant momentum after a viral Facebook post claimed Canada had been 'siphoning Alberta's emotional energy since 1905,' began to lose steam when the official Separation Feasibility Report — a 4,000-page document that only three people read — quietly noted in Appendix F that an independent Alberta would share a southern border exclusively with Montana. Voter turnout dropped measurably the moment that page circulated on Reddit.
Prominently featured in the 'No' campaign was Dr. Beverley Crumholtz, Professor of Theoretical Nationalism at the University of Calgary's Department of Things That Sound Good Until You Really Think About Them. 'Sovereignty is a seductive concept,' Dr. Crumholtz told reporters while gesturing at a map with a ruler she never actually used. 'But when you ask Albertans what they want independence FOR, the most common answer was, and I quote, just to see the look on Ottawa's face. That is not, legally speaking, a foreign policy.'
Prime Minister Carney addressed the nation in a 90-second statement described by his communications team as 'warm' and by viewers as 'the verbal equivalent of a firm handshake.' He thanked Albertans for their participation, acknowledged their 'very valid and strongly worded feelings,' and promised a new federal working group to study the possibility of Alberta receiving a formal apology from Ontario, the details of which would be announced sometime between now and the heat death of the universe.
As of press time, a splinter faction in Red Deer has announced plans to hold a second referendum specifically asking whether Alberta can remain in Canada but stop being aware of Quebec, which constitutional scholars say is not legally possible but 'emotionally, deeply understandable.'
