France Bans All Protests After Macron Discovers Angry Crowds Are 'Literally Just Making Him Sad'

PARIS — French authorities moved swiftly Monday to prohibit public gatherings in seventeen arrondissements of Paris after President Emmanuel Macron, 46, revealed to a closed-door cabinet meeting that the ongoing protests were, in his own words, 'making it genuinely difficult to enjoy his cheese.' The ban, effective immediately and extending through what officials are calling 'however long it takes for Emmanuel to feel like himself again,' covers an area roughly the size of Rhode Island, or approximately four Eiffel Towers laid end to end, a unit of measurement French officials insist is internationally recognized.

The unrest, which began after Macron reportedly described Donald Trump as having 'the diplomatic finesse of a baguette left in a gym bag,' has drawn tens of thousands into the streets of Paris, many of them carrying signs that officials say were 'aggressively legible.' Interior Minister Gérard Fontaine-Dubois III announced at a press conference Tuesday that the government would be deploying an additional four hundred officers trained specifically in what he called 'aggressive loitering deterrence,' a program that involved six weeks of instruction and, sources confirm, a truly remarkable amount of paperwork.

'The French people have an ancient and storied tradition of protest,' said Dr. Céleste Moreau-Vachon, Chief Emotional Liaison to the Élysée Palace, a position that was created at 11:47 PM last Thursday. 'And that tradition is being asked, very politely, to take a brief sabbatical, perhaps until spring, when the mood is lighter and the lavender is blooming and the President has finished his podcast.' Dr. Moreau-Vachon declined to specify which podcast, but sources close to the palace say it involves 'a lot of ambient whale sounds and one very long episode about Napoleon's skincare routine.'

The Trump administration responded to the Macron remarks with characteristic restraint, issuing a seven-page official statement describing the French president as 'a little guy who smells like a fancy candle,' and announcing a new 400% tariff on croissants, which White House trade advisor Brett Lundquist-Horne called 'long overdue, frankly.' American consumers have reportedly begun panic-buying croissants, a phenomenon economists are describing as 'the most relatable financial crisis in recorded history.'

As of press time, protests in the permitted zones of Paris continued largely unabated, with demonstrators adapting to the restrictions by moving their chanting to private residences, underground car parks, and one very accommodating Airbnb in the 9th arrondissement rated four-and-a-half stars, with one reviewer noting the host was 'welcoming, non-judgmental, and provided excellent Wi-Fi for streaming the revolution live.' President Macron, reached for comment via a spokesman, asked only that his name be spelled correctly and that the photograph used be 'the one where his jaw looks more resolute.'