DR Congo Declares Ebola Outbreak 'Mostly The Fault Of That One Guy Gerald'
International health officials confirm Gerald knew what he was doing and did it anyway, sources say.
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
KINSHASA, DR CONGO — In a press conference that lasted four hours longer than anyone had planned, the Democratic Republic of Congo's Ministry of Public Health officially attributed the nation's expanding Ebola outbreak to a single civilian identified only as Gerald, a 34-year-old man described by colleagues as 'a real piece of work.' The announcement was met with a standing ovation from approximately twelve exhausted epidemiologists who had suspected as much since Tuesday.
'We have the spreadsheets. We have the timelines. We have the receipts, literally, from a roadside market where Gerald made several decisions that public health officials would classify as bold,' said Dr. Francine Mbuyi-Nkusu, Director of Things Gerald Has Caused, at a podium draped inexplicably in a banner reading 'We Tried.' She paused for a long moment before adding, 'He knew the sign said do not touch.'
The World Health Organization dispatched a rapid response team of 47 specialists, three of whom were assigned exclusively to locating Gerald and having what one internal memo described as 'a very serious and firm conversation, possibly with visual aids.' As of press time, Gerald had reportedly been found in a neighboring province 'looking unbothered,' according to field coordinator Thierry Lokossou, whose left eye had developed a persistent twitch sometime around day three of the operation.
Responders on the ground report mounting pressure as the outbreak continues to expand beyond its original zone, a development that officials note could have been entirely avoided had Gerald simply 'respected the concept of distance, both physical and philosophical.' The WHO issued an emergency supplemental report Thursday noting that containment efforts were 'going as well as can be expected given the Gerald variable,' which has since been formally added to outbreak modeling software as a distinct category of risk between 'moderate' and 'catastrophic.'
International aid organizations have pledged an additional $200 million in resources, $40 million of which is specifically earmarked for a public awareness campaign targeting individuals who exhibit what researchers are calling Gerald-Adjacent Behavior, or GAB. 'We are not naming names in the campaign materials,' clarified WHO spokesperson Brigitte Fassler-Noon at a separate briefing, before pausing and adding, 'but we are leaving a very obvious silhouette.' Gerald could not be reached for comment, though a neighbor reported he had recently been heard saying the whole situation was 'probably fine.'
