Zelenskyy Warns EU Not To Sign Security Blanket Deal Before War Is Over, Citing Concerns About Sharing
Ukrainian president says negotiating cozy new arrangement while missiles are still flying is 'putting the blanket fort before the ceasefire,' sources confirm.
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KYIV — In a stern address delivered from an undisclosed location that sources describe as 'very dramatic-looking,' Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy warned European leaders Monday that signing a new continental security arrangement before the conclusion of the Russia-Ukraine war would be, in his words, 'like buying a new mattress while the house is still on fire and also your neighbor keeps throwing more fire at the house.'
Zelenskyy, speaking through an interpreter who appeared to be suppressing a laugh for most of the briefing, urged EU officials to resist the temptation of what he called 'premature framework cosiness,' a diplomatic term that caused several German delegates to clear their throats and stare at the ceiling.
'You cannot negotiate who gets which side of the bed before the divorce is finalized,' Zelenskyy reportedly told assembled European diplomats, extending his mattress metaphor well past its structural load-bearing capacity. 'And right now, Russia is still sleeping in our yard with a tank.'
EU Chief Framework Architect and Part-Time Sommelier Hendrick Voss-Plattenburg called the warning 'deeply noted and also a little hurtful,' adding that the proposed security deal had taken fourteen months to draft and included a lovely preamble that everyone agreed was 'really quite good.' Voss-Plattenburg confirmed the document had already been laminated.
Reaction from other world leaders was swift. British Deputy Secretary for Vague Reassurances Nigel Pottsworth-Clamp released a three-paragraph statement that experts say contained no verifiable nouns. Meanwhile, a Kremlin spokesperson called Zelenskyy's comments 'predictable,' 'boring,' and 'exactly what someone would say if they were losing, which he is, which he isn't, we didn't say that.'
As of press time, the EU security framework document remained on the table, technically unsigned, though several delegates had already doodled in the margins and one had written 'call me' next to Article 7, Subsection D, which legal analysts note is not binding but is, quote, 'a lot.'
