World's Largest Wealth Fund Loses $40 Billion After Manager Invests Everything In 'Haunted Bond Market' He Discovered Behind Applebee's
Fund officials confirm the bonds were 'definitely cursed,' adding that the fund's chief economist 'sensed something was off' roughly $39.9 billion too late.
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OSLO, NORWAY — The Norsk Global Sovereign Wealth Fund, manager of approximately $1.7 trillion in assets representing the financial future of every Norwegian citizen alive or yet to be born, confirmed Tuesday that it has lost $40 billion after its chief investment officer, Bertrand Vollum, discovered what he described as 'a shadow bond market of tremendous upside potential' located behind the dumpsters of an Applebee's franchise in suburban Akron, Ohio.
"We conducted our due diligence," said Vollum, speaking from what appeared to be a folding chair inside an active car wash. "There was a laminated sign. It said 'Definitely Bonds.' I've been in this industry for thirty years and I have never seen that level of transparency from a fixed-income vehicle."
The bonds, later identified by forensic accountants as "Popsicle sticks with numbers written in red crayon," reportedly offered a yield of 'your wildest dreams' with a maturity date listed only as 'soon, probably.' The fund's risk assessment committee, a golden retriever named Fjord who had been elevated to the position following a 2021 restructuring, is said to have approved the purchase with what witnesses described as 'vigorous tail wagging.'
Market analysts were swift to offer their condolences, though several noted the situation was 'not entirely without precedent.' Gwendolyn Thrash-Paulsen, Senior Director of Catastrophic Hindsight at the Institute for Watching Things Go Wrong, told reporters that the fund's decision-making process bore 'striking similarities' to the 2017 incident in which a mid-sized pension fund in Luxembourg attempted to short the concept of autumn. 'These things happen,' she said, straightening her monocle, 'when grown adults stop bringing snacks to important meetings.'
Norwegian citizens reacted to the news with the particular brand of stoic resignation unique to Scandinavians and people who have been on hold with their internet provider for more than forty minutes. A spokesperson for the Norwegian government said the loss would be offset by 'additional oil revenue, aggressive optimism, and possibly a very large bake sale.' The Applebee's location in question has declined to comment but did confirm it is currently running a two-for-one riblet promotion through the end of the fiscal quarter.
As of press time, Vollum had reportedly located what he believes to be 'an even better opportunity' written in chalk on the underside of a highway overpass, and the golden retriever Fjord had been promoted to Chairman of the Board pending a formal review of his existing equity positions, which sources say are 'almost entirely in tennis balls.'
