US Bans Microsoft From Green Card Program After Company Admits It Has Been Issuing Visas Printed On Actual Green Index Cards
Cognizant also suspended after investigators discover firm's entire HR department is a Golden Retriever named Gerald who has been 'doing a surprisingly adequate job since 2019'
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WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security moved swiftly Tuesday to suspend several of the nation's largest technology firms from the federal EB-3 green card program, citing what officials described as 'a pattern of systemic irregularities so profoundly stupid that investigators had to sit quietly in a dark room for several minutes before drafting the report.' Microsoft, Cognizant, and at least four other firms have been barred from participation pending a full review, which sources say is expected to take between six months and the heat death of the universe.
At the center of the Microsoft investigation is the discovery that the company's immigration compliance team had, for the better part of a decade, been issuing work authorization documents using Avery brand index cards purchased in bulk from a Staples in Redmond, Washington. 'They were laminated,' confirmed DHS Senior Adjudicator Pamela Gortch during a Tuesday press briefing, pausing to compose herself. 'Professionally laminated. Which, frankly, made it worse.'
The Cognizant situation has proven equally vexing for regulators. A routine audit of the firm's Chennai-to-Dallas talent pipeline revealed that all 847 visa sponsorship applications filed since Q3 2019 bore the paw signature of Gerald, a five-year-old Golden Retriever employed — without benefits — as Senior Vice President of Global Mobility. Gerald was unavailable for comment but was described by colleagues as 'extremely motivated' and 'always willing to fetch whatever documents you need.'
'Gerald processed more applications per quarter than any human VP we've ever audited,' noted Inspector Calvin Breeze of the Government Accountability Office, staring at a wall. 'His approval ratings were also significantly higher. We're not sure what to do with that information legally or emotionally.'
The White House issued a statement calling the suspensions 'a necessary step to protect American workers and the basic dignity of government paperwork,' while a coalition of Silicon Valley executives fired back, arguing that the crackdown unfairly targets an industry that has 'long operated in a regulatory gray area best described as a hot tub with no posted rules.' Congressional leaders are expected to hold hearings next month, during which Gerald is tentatively scheduled to testify, though aides caution that seating arrangements remain 'complicated.'
As of press time, Amazon had voluntarily suspended its own green card program after admitting its compliance officer had been on sabbatical since March 2021 and was last seen 'somewhere near Portland, really finding himself.'
