U.S. Bans Canada After Nation Refuses To Apologize For Nickelback
Trade war escalates as White House confirms embargo covers maple syrup, hockey sticks, and the concept of being polite — effective immediately
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WASHINGTON D.C. — The United States government formally banned the importation of nearly $1 billion in Canadian goods Tuesday, citing what senior trade officials described as 'a pattern of cultural aggression spanning three decades, culminating in the unchecked global proliferation of Nickelback.' The executive order, signed in what witnesses described as a 'very normal room with no screaming,' covers alcohol, dairy products, motorcycles, and any item that 'smells like apology without actually being one.'
'The Canadian people have had ample opportunity to come forward, accept responsibility, and destroy the master recordings,' said Brent Loudermilk, Deputy Secretary of Vibes and Imported Nuisances, reading from a prepared statement while visibly emotional. 'They have not. We are left with no choice but to act.'
Canadian Prime Minister spokespersons pushed back swiftly, releasing a joint statement that read, in its entirety, 'Oh come on, guys. Seriously. Come on.' Economists noted this was the most aggressive diplomatic language deployed by Canada since the Great Flannel Dispute of 1987, details of which remain classified.
The ban has sent shockwaves through niche industries on both sides of the border. American craft breweries that relied on Canadian hops reported immediate shortages, while several Wisconsin dairy farmers confirmed they have begun 'rationing their feelings.' Meanwhile, a coalition of motorcycle enthusiasts in Vermont staged a protest, which was described by local reporters as 'very loud and somehow also sad.'
Perhaps most controversially, the order includes a provision banning the importation of 'excessive courtesy,' defined in the federal register as any apology delivered without provocation or legal necessity. 'If a Canadian holds a door open for you and says sorry when you bump into them,' Loudermilk clarified at a follow-up briefing, 'that door is now a tariffable event.' Legal scholars have called this provision 'unprecedented,' 'unenforceable,' and 'honestly a little rude.'
As of press time, Canada had responded by politely asking if everyone was doing okay and whether anyone needed a snack, a gesture the U.S. Trade Representative's office has formally logged as 'suspicious.'
