Trump's Election Fraud Task Force Now Investigating Itself After Running Out Of Other People

WASHINGTON — The White House Election Integrity and Fraud Obliteration Task Force, established just eleven weeks ago to investigate former officials who previously investigated the president, announced Monday that it has officially turned its investigative gaze inward after exhausting its list of external targets. The task force, which employs 47 full-time investigators, three part-time astrologers, and a golden retriever named Biscuit who has been deputized as Chief Sniff Officer, confirmed the pivot in a brief press release that was mostly clip art of eagles.

"We have investigated everyone we were supposed to investigate, and frankly, the results were spectacular," said task force spokesman Dirk Enormoust, whose official title is Deputy Director of Finding Things Out. "Now we are simply applying the same rigorous methodology to ourselves. The math checks out. Somebody in this building is suspicious, and we intend to get to the bottom of it, even if the bottom turns out to be us."

The investigation into the task force itself reportedly began after an internal audit revealed that several members had, at various points in their careers, attended the same colleges as people who had once eaten lunch near a Democrat. One senior investigator was placed on administrative leave after it was discovered he owned a ballpoint pen manufactured in a county that voted blue in 2018. He declined to comment but was seen vigorously writing something, which investigators noted was itself suspicious.

Legal scholars across the nation have described the development as "unprecedented," "recursive," and "the kind of thing that gives professors of constitutional law a very specific type of headache that no ibuprofen can touch." Professor Lynda Gravelton of the Midwest Institute for Government Stuff told reporters she spent forty-five minutes staring at her wall after reading the press release, adding only, "I need a longer wall."

Biscuit the golden retriever has reportedly already flagged three filing cabinets, a motivational poster reading 'Hang In There,' and the task force's own founding charter as, quote, 'extremely suspicious,' prompting investigators to open parallel probes into the poster's origins and whether the kitten depicted on it had the proper clearance. The White House confirmed Thursday that Biscuit has been promoted to Acting Deputy Assistant Undersecretary, pending Senate confirmation, which sources say is also now under investigation.