SpaceX Starship Successfully Reaches Orbit, Immediately Applies For Parking Permit
FAA confirms vessel is third in line behind a Dodge Caravan and what officials describe as 'a very ambitious pigeon'
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
BOCA CHICA, TX — In what aerospace engineers are calling 'a tremendous leap for mankind and a moderate inconvenience for everyone else,' SpaceX's Starship rocket successfully achieved Earth orbit Tuesday morning before encountering what mission controllers described as 'the usual bureaucratic friction' approximately 240 miles above the Gulf of Mexico. The vessel, standing at nearly 400 feet tall and roughly the size of your ex's ego, filed the necessary Form 7-Sigma Orbital Occupancy Request with the Interplanetary Parking Authority at 9:43 a.m. Central Time. It was promptly placed on hold.
'We anticipated the launch going well,' said Dr. Flemming Bortsworth, SpaceX's Senior Vice President of Things Going Sideways, reading from a laminated card. 'What we did not anticipate was Gerald.' Gerald, officials confirmed, is the pigeon. He has been hovering in Low Earth Orbit since 2019 and holds a grandfathered occupancy claim that remains, legally speaking, airtight.
Elon Musk addressed reporters from behind a fog machine at SpaceX headquarters, stating that the mission represented 'a giant step toward making humanity multi-planetary, and also toward proving that Gerald is not a real obstacle.' He then winked at no one in particular for approximately six seconds. Legal representatives for Gerald declined to comment but released a statement described by insiders as 'aggressively cooing.'
NASA Administrator Dr. Cynthia Palomino-Vecht called the achievement 'historically significant,' adding that her agency was 'cautiously optimistic' and 'very much watching the Gerald situation.' She confirmed that a formal inter-agency summit has been scheduled for March, at which point representatives from SpaceX, the FAA, and Gerald will attempt to reach what she called 'an arrangement that works for everyone's trajectory.' Sources close to the pigeon say he is open to dialogue but will not be the first to blink.
As of press time, Starship remains in a holding pattern 240 miles above Earth, its crew of zero astronauts and one commemorative Reba McEntire bobblehead reported to be in stable condition. The parking permit is expected to be processed within six to eight business decades. Gerald, meanwhile, has reportedly begun charging a modest toll.
