Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang Admits Spy Affair, Claims He Thought She Was Just Really Into GPUs
Woman's suspiciously detailed questions about chip architecture now being re-examined by intelligence community as 'less romantic than initially assumed'
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
SANTA CLARA, CA — Nvidia Corporation announced Monday that it has launched a formal internal investigation into CEO Jensen Huang after Huang publicly admitted to a yearlong extramarital relationship with a woman later identified by U.S. intelligence officials as a operative for a foreign government, confirming what analysts are calling 'the most expensive pillow talk in semiconductor history.'
Huang, 61, who is best known for his signature leather jacket and for single-handedly making the word 'GPU' appear in divorce proceedings, reportedly told investigators he had no reason to suspect the woman was a spy, noting that her encyclopedic knowledge of CUDA architecture and her tendency to photograph his whiteboard during intimate moments 'just seemed like passion.' 'She asked a lot of questions,' Huang allegedly told the board. 'I thought she was deeply curious. That is an attractive quality.'
According to sources familiar with the investigation, the relationship is believed to have included at least fourteen dinners at a Palo Alto steakhouse, two appearances at industry conferences where she wore a badge reading 'Definitely A Normal American Person,' and one memorable weekend in Napa during which Huang allegedly narrated Nvidia's entire five-year roadmap 'unprompted, over Chardonnay.' Intelligence officials described the data breach as 'comprehensive' and 'paired surprisingly well with the salmon.'
Dr. Reginald Foss, Senior Director of the Institute for People Who Should Have Known Better, issued a statement calling the incident 'a cautionary tale for executives whose pillow talk includes forward guidance.' The Chinese government has denied any involvement, releasing a brief statement that read simply, 'We have never heard of Jensen Huang,' which officials noted was statistically impossible given that he supplies the chips in roughly 94% of their data centers.
Nvidia's board has placed Huang on administrative leave pending the investigation's outcome, though shares rose 4% on Tuesday after investors noted that at least someone at the company was successfully penetrating a new market. Huang's leather jacket, considered a material witness, has been taken into federal custody. It has not yet retained counsel.
