Nation's Children Going Blind From Looking At Literally Everything Except The Sky, Doctors Confirm

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what the National Institute of Optometric Catastrophes is calling 'the most preventable crisis since we told everyone to stop eating sunscreen,' a landmark study released Tuesday confirms that American children are going nearsighted at an alarming rate, with leading researchers now estimating that by 2031, the average child will be able to read text on a screen from four inches away but will be completely unable to identify their own parents from across a driveway. 'We are witnessing a tidal wave,' said Dr. Cornelius Blinkworth, Chief of Seeing Things, 'and unfortunately, most of these children would not be able to see that tidal wave coming until it was essentially touching their nose.'

The study, which tracked 14,000 children across 38 states and one confused county in Ohio that thought it was Canada, found that the average American child now spends 11.4 hours per day looking at screens, 2.1 hours looking at other screens, and approximately six minutes looking at the physical world, four of which are spent making eye contact with a dog. Researchers noted that outdoor light exposure, long considered the single most effective preventative measure against childhood myopia, has dropped to historic lows since the invention of everything.

'The eye needs distance,' explained Dr. Pamela Squint-Hargrove, Associate Professor of Eyes at the University of Blurry Studies in Phoenix. 'It needs to focus on something far away. A tree. A hill. A parent's disappointed expression from across the yard. Without this, the eyeball physically elongates, like a grape being slowly convinced it wants to be a raisin. And nobody, I cannot stress this enough, nobody wants a raisin eye.' Dr. Squint-Hargrove then held up a diagram that several journalists in the front row admitted they could not read.

Parents across the country are reportedly responding to the crisis in what experts describe as 'a deeply screen-based way,' with Facebook groups, YouTube tutorials, and a 47-part TikTok series offering solutions. Todd Brennaman, 41, of Scottsdale, Arizona, told reporters he had purchased his son a pair of special myopia-control glasses after watching a three-hour documentary about it on his phone, adding that his son had refused to wear them because they 'looked weird on camera.' Todd confirmed he had not been outside himself since March.

Federal health authorities are now recommending that children spend a minimum of two hours per day outdoors in natural light, a suggestion that has been met with what officials describe as 'vigorous non-compliance.' The CDC has proposed a mandatory recess expansion program, which is currently stalled in committee after several legislators admitted they also could not see the presentation slides very well and asked if someone could just text it to them. A vote is expected sometime before the children in question reach retirement age, assuming they can find the voting booth.