Herbert Sacked Eight Times, Experts Confirm He Is Simply Being Harvested
Scientists at the NFL Institute for Quarterback Wellness say the Chargers offensive line may be operating as a 'controlled delivery system' for opposing pass rushers
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LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Chargers fell to an 0-8 record on Sunday after quarterback Justin Herbert was sacked eight times in what analysts are calling 'less of a football game and more of a formal ceremony.' Herbert, who completed 24 of 31 passes while also being pile-driven into the earth's crust at a rate of once every six minutes, remained statistically excellent throughout what witnesses described as his 'ongoing ordeal.'
"We've run the numbers and Justin Herbert is, by every measurable metric, a elite quarterback being offered to the football gods on a rotating schedule," said Dr. Pamela Crouton, Senior Director of Offensive Concepts at the NFL Institute for Quarterback Wellness. "The line isn't blocking. They're curating."
Chargers head coach Jim Harbaugh addressed reporters after the game while standing in front of a whiteboard that simply read 'IT IS WHAT IT IS' in increasingly large font. "Justin is a warrior. A beautiful, beautiful warrior," Harbaugh said, staring directly into the middle distance. "We're going to look at some film, make some adjustments, and then absolutely not make those adjustments." He then turned off the lights and left without being dismissed.
Fans in SoFi Stadium reportedly remained upbeat throughout the loss, as many had arrived believing they had purchased tickets to a monster truck rally and were simply enjoying the spectacle regardless. "I didn't know who was playing but that number 10 kept getting up every time," said Gerald Fitch, 54, of Anaheim. "Inspiring stuff. I've already forgotten which team lost."
Herbert himself issued a brief statement following the game, saying he felt 'good physically' and was 'excited about the opportunities ahead,' which team physicians confirmed is something a person says when they have been sacked eight times and are running on pure adrenaline and deeply repressed feelings. The statement was delivered while Herbert was still wearing his helmet, which no one on the medical staff asked him to remove.
The Chargers face the Kansas City Chiefs next Sunday in what league schedulers are privately referring to as 'a sequel nobody requested.' Kickoff is at 4:25 PM Eastern, and Herbert is expected to start, finish, and be recovered from the turf in time for postgame interviews.
