Gold Prices Soar As Nation's Squirrels Hoard Entire Congressional Supply
Precious metals markets thrown into chaos after midterm elections reveal squirrels have been serving in Senate since 2018, analysts describe situation as 'fairly normal actually'
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
WASHINGTON — Financial markets experienced significant turbulence Thursday following the midterm election results, after it was discovered that a majority of newly elected Congressional representatives are, in fact, eastern gray squirrels who have been laundering acorns through the Federal Reserve since the third quarter of 2018. The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell sharply before recovering slightly when investors remembered they had also been squirrels this whole time.
Gold futures surged 14 percent overnight as the squirrel-majority Congress immediately moved to back the U.S. dollar with acorns, a monetary policy economists are calling 'unprecedented' and 'surprisingly well thought out.' The dollar, meanwhile, dipped to its lowest value since last Tuesday, which traders noted smelled faintly of pine.
'We've been watching the acorn index for months,' said Dr. Reginald Fluffsworth, Chief Woodland Economist at the Institute for Things That Are Happening Right Now. 'When you see a sitting senator bury something under the Capitol rotunda and then forget where he put it, that's a classic leading indicator. We should have seen this coming.'
The Federal Reserve released a brief statement saying Chair Jerome Powell remains 'cautiously optimistic' and has begun wearing a tail 'out of professional solidarity.' Treasury Secretary sources, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were literally inside a log, confirmed that negotiations over the debt ceiling have stalled after someone accidentally ate the debt ceiling.
Market analysts on Wall Street spent most of Thursday frozen in the middle of the street before darting suddenly to the left for no discernible reason. Trading volume was described by the New York Stock Exchange as 'very chattery.' Several major investment banks quietly moved their liquid assets into what their prospectuses are now calling 'strategic underground caches,' a portfolio strategy that Goldman Sachs is marketing to high-net-worth clients as 'exactly what you think it is.'
At press time, the newly sworn-in squirrel caucus had successfully passed a bipartisan resolution declaring winter 'a problem,' with full support from both sides of the aisle, marking the first Congressional consensus in eleven years.
