Federal Reserve Raises Interest Rates To 'Uncomfortably High' After Jerome Powell Loses Bet With A Raccoon

WASHINGTON — The Federal Reserve announced Wednesday that it has raised the federal funds rate to 47%, following what Fed Chair Jerome Powell described as 'a legally binding wager' made last Tuesday with a raccoon named Deposits outside a Washington D.C. Applebee's. The raccoon, who sources confirm was wearing a small vest, reportedly demanded the rate hike as part of settlement terms that Powell called 'non-negotiable and frankly quite thorough for someone without opposable thumbs.'

In a press conference held inside what appeared to be a Costco break room, Powell read a prepared statement explaining that the Fed had 'carefully weighed all macroeconomic indicators, forward guidance models, and the raccoon's specific demand for a 47% rate alongside unlimited access to the Fed's dumpster.' Markets responded immediately, with the Dow Jones dropping 2,000 points before recovering slightly once traders confirmed the raccoon had prior experience in arbitrage.

'This is actually great news for the economy,' said Dr. Brenda Clampsworth-Holt, the Fed's newly appointed Chief of Vertebrate Monetary Relations, a position created just eleven minutes before the press conference. 'When you have a bold, visionary raccoon steering the invisible hand of the market, frankly, the hand gets a lot grabbier. That's exactly what we want.'

Americans with mortgages, car loans, and 'unresolved feelings about their financial futures' were advised to contact their local bank immediately, as all outstanding debts will now accrue interest at the raccoon rate, compounded hourly and occasionally in shiny objects. The Treasury Department issued a supplementary memo noting that anyone attempting to refinance must first submit a formal letter of intent to Deposits personally, who, as of press time, had relocated his operations to a Chase Bank ATM vestibule in Bethesda.

Critics of the decision were swift to respond. Senator Dale Funchberg of Ohio called the move 'reckless, unprecedented, and deeply insulting to the ferrets who have been lobbying for Fed representation since 2019.' Deposits, reached for comment through his attorney — a second raccoon — issued a brief statement reading only: 'Rate good. Economy big trash. You're welcome.' Economists at Goldman Sachs said they could not confirm or deny whether their 2026 growth projections already accounted for raccoon intervention, but noted the models 'always left room for something like this.'