Early Voting Surges As Candidates Make Final Promises To Actually Show Up This Time
Election officials confirm ballots are being cast at record rates, though most voters admit they are simply voting to make the yard signs stop.
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
WASHINGTON — With midterm elections just days away, candidates across the nation are completing their final campaign stops, shaking hands with constituents, kissing babies, and in at least three documented cases, kissing the babies of complete strangers who were simply trying to eat lunch at a Subway. Early voting has surged to historic levels, with officials reporting that some precincts ran out of the little "I Voted" stickers as early as Tuesday morning, triggering what one county clerk described as "the closest thing to a riot I have ever seen at a community center that smells like old carpet."
"The people are energized," said Congressman Dale Hufferton-Briggs, who has represented Ohio's 7th district since 1987 despite not being entirely sure where Ohio's 7th district is. "They are coming out in droves. Literal droves. We counted the droves. There were four of them." Hufferton-Briggs made the statement at a campaign rally attended by approximately eleven people, two of whom were his own security detail and one of whom was a golden retriever named Biscuit who has since announced a 2026 exploratory committee.
Opponents have raised concerns about campaign promises that experts say have become increasingly detached from physical reality. Senator Connie Plath-Mooreville of Arizona pledged on Monday to "lower gas prices, fix the roads, end inflation, and personally refinish every deck in the tri-county area before Thanksgiving." Political analysts rated the promise as ambitious, noting that the Senator does not own a sander. Her campaign responded by releasing a photo of the Senator standing next to a sander, though sources confirm she was not touching it.
On the ballot this cycle are several hotly contested measures including Proposition 14, which would require all local politicians to maintain eye contact with voters for no fewer than three full seconds during handshakes, and Measure C, a sweeping referendum that would ban the phrase "hardworking families" from all campaign materials and replace it with "people who are tired and just want to watch television in peace." Both measures are polling at 74% approval, which pollsters say is statistically suspicious and also kind of beautiful.
As polls prepare to open on Election Day, officials are urging citizens to bring a valid photo ID, arrive with patience, and under no circumstances ask poll worker Gerald Finch about the 2018 recount, as Gerald is still processing it. "Democracy is a sacred and fragile institution," said Dr. Pamela Storch-Weiland, Director of the National Institute for Civic Feelings, in a statement released Wednesday. "Also please stop calling our office. We cannot tell you if your neighbor's yard sign is legally too large. That is a local matter. We have said this eleven times."
