Dodge Announces NASCAR Return, Confirms Every Car Will Be Driven By An Actual Dodge
The automaker cited 'brand authenticity concerns' and notes that the animals have been training since 2019 and are 'very serious about this'
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DETROIT, MI — In what industry analysts are calling either a 'bold marketing pivot' or 'a significant lapse in corporate judgment,' Dodge officially announced Monday its return to the NASCAR racing circuit, confirming that every vehicle entered under the Dodge banner will be piloted exclusively by a living, breathing Dodge — the animal. The company clarified for reporters that they mean the male deer, not the verb, though a spokesperson acknowledged 'the verb will also be relevant, particularly in the pit lane.'
The decision reportedly came after Dodge CEO Harrison Mulvaney III convened a focus group that concluded consumers felt the brand had 'lost its wildness.' Sources inside the meeting say the phrase 'we need something with more horsepower in the literal sense' was uttered without irony, a motion was seconded, and HR has not been the same since.
'These bucks are athletes,' said Dr. Pamela Forthwright, Dodge's newly appointed Vice President of Ungulate Performance Strategy, at a press conference that several journalists described as 'the most they had ever felt.' 'We've had them on a regimen of structured oval familiarization, reaction drills, and what I can only describe as competitive hunger. Gerald, our lead driver, has logged 400 laps. He knows what he wants.'
NASCAR released a statement saying it 'welcomes all competitors who meet the technical requirements,' adding in a separate, quieter statement that it is 'currently reviewing whether the technical requirements need to be more specific.' Three sponsor deals have already been signed, including a lucrative partnership with a major insurance company that a spokesperson confirmed was 'unfortunately not their first rodeo with Dodge-related incidents.'
The debut race is scheduled for spring at the Talladega Superspeedway, where Gerald and eleven of his associates will compete in specially modified Dodge Chargers fitted with custom hoof pedal extensions and what the engineering team is calling a 'dignity-neutral cockpit.' Dodge's stock rose four points on the announcement before falling six when investors watched the practice footage. Gerald, for his part, was unavailable for comment but was described by handlers as 'focused' and 'in the zone' and 'currently staring at a wall with great intensity.'
