Democrats Win Midterms By Promising To Make Groceries Cost Less Than A Mortgage
Party also vows to address corruption, which experts confirm has been 'a thing that exists' since approximately forever
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
WASHINGTON D.C. — In what political analysts are calling 'a pretty big deal, actually,' the Democratic Party swept Tuesday's midterm elections after running on a bold platform of affordability, anti-corruption measures, and a vague but deeply reassuring promise that things would, quote, 'get better somehow.' Voter turnout reached historic levels, driven largely by Americans who said they were motivated by the rising cost of eggs and a general sense that something somewhere had gone quite wrong.
The newly empowered Democratic majority wasted no time announcing their legislative agenda, unveiling a 4,000-page bill titled the 'Everything Is Fine And Will Continue To Be Fine Going Forward Act,' which aides confirmed no one has read in full but everyone agrees sounds very promising. 'We've identified seventeen different types of corruption,' said Senate Majority Whip-elect Deborah Flannigan-Crest at a press conference held entirely inside a Panera Bread. 'We intend to address at least two of them before the holidays.'
Republicans responded swiftly, calling the election results 'a statistical anomaly caused by people voting,' and held a counter press conference in a different Panera Bread three blocks away. Former Logistics Czar of Unspecified Jurisdiction, Brad Toomey-Haverford, told reporters the Democratic agenda was 'nothing more than big government sticking its hands into pockets where big government's hands simply do not belong,' before declining to elaborate on which pockets specifically.
The affordability initiative, the centerpiece of the Democratic agenda, reportedly includes a provision to cap the price of a dozen eggs at 'whatever feels reasonable,' a bold new subsidy for people who have forgotten what financial stability feels like, and a seventeen-month study into why everything costs so much that will itself cost forty-three million dollars. Chief Economic Feelings Officer Dr. Pamela Brixworth-Nguyen called the plan 'transformational,' adding that the word 'transformational' had tested very well in focus groups conducted in Scottsdale, Arizona.
At press time, the newly elected Democratic majority had already formed fourteen subcommittees, launched an exploratory task force to investigate the task forces, and scheduled a bipartisan dinner to discuss affordability at a restaurant where the prix fixe menu starts at two hundred and forty dollars per person, not including the bread, which is extra.
