Dana White Appointed White House Press Secretary After Beating Previous Applicants In Octagon
Administration confirms all future press briefings will be conducted under UFC rules, with questions limited to three five-minute rounds
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WASHINGTON D.C. — The Trump administration officially announced Monday that UFC President Dana White has been appointed White House Press Secretary following a rigorous selection process that sources describe as 'competitive in ways the Geneva Convention hasn't fully addressed yet.' White defeated fourteen other candidates in what a senior official called 'the most transparent vetting process in American history,' though legal experts note that transparency is somewhat diminished when the lights are that low and the cage door is locked.
White, 54, will assume his new role beginning next month, at which point the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room will be rebranded the 'James S. Brady Proving Grounds.' CNN's front row seat has been replaced with what administration officials described as 'a reasonable amount of chain-link fencing.' Journalists will be required to submit questions in writing, ranked by weight class.
'Dana brings a unique skill set to this position,' said fictional administration spokesperson Brent Hucklesby, Deputy Assistant to the Assistant Deputy of Narrative Management. 'He has decades of experience controlling a room full of aggressive, underpaid people who think they deserve more than they're getting. That is, frankly, the core qualification.' Hucklesby then adjusted his tie, winked at no one, and left through a side door.
The press corps has responded with what reporters are calling 'cautious professionalism' and what their therapists are calling 'a trauma response.' April Dunnagan of the Associated Press noted that she has covered four administrations and 'never once had to sign a weight-cut waiver just to attend a Monday briefing.' The White House confirmed the waiver is legally non-binding but 'spiritually mandatory.'
White himself addressed reporters briefly outside the West Wing, stating, 'I've dealt with fighters who bite, scratch, and cry to the ref. I think I'm ready.' He then stared at the gathered press for eleven seconds without blinking, turned, and walked back inside. Ratings for the subsequent silence were the highest C-SPAN has recorded since 1987.
As of press time, the podium has been raised eighteen inches, the teleprompter has been replaced with a Jumbotron, and the White House gift shop has begun pre-selling pay-per-view packages for the first briefing, titled 'Press Conference 1: No Contest.' Analysts project it will outperform the Super Bowl, the Oscars, and whatever CNN is currently doing by a considerable margin.
