Cornell University Investigation Reveals Campus Squirrel Has Been Attending Classes, Earning Credits Since 2019
Authorities confirm the squirrel, known only as 'Gerald,' has maintained a 3.4 GPA and was weeks away from a Bachelor's in Economics before prosecutors intervened.
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ITHACA, N.Y. — New York prosecutors announced Monday they have reopened a sweeping investigation into Cornell University after a routine audit uncovered that a gray squirrel, identified in university records as 'Gerald T. Nutsworth,' had been successfully enrolled as a full-time undergraduate student for the past six years, accumulating 87 credit hours and a minor in Behavioral Finance.
The investigation, which sources say began after a professor submitted a grade of A-minus for a student whose listed address was 'the oak tree near McGraw Tower,' has since expanded to include at least fourteen faculty members who allegedly knew Gerald was a squirrel and said nothing, citing what one department chair described as 'a really strong participation grade.'
'We are not here to judge the squirrel,' said lead prosecutor Diane Holbrook-Fentiss at a press conference Tuesday, visibly struggling to maintain composure. 'We are here to determine how an animal with no opposable thumbs submitted a 40-page thesis on post-recessionary market volatility. Frankly, it raises more questions about the other students than it does about Gerald.'
Gerald's academic advisor, Dr. Phillip Moorgate, Professor of Applied Economics and Woodland Affairs, released a statement defending his advisee, noting that Gerald 'always arrived early to office hours, rarely spoke out of turn, and demonstrated a nuanced understanding of supply-side acorn economics that frankly put his human peers to shame.' Dr. Moorgate declined further comment, as he is also under investigation.
University officials confirmed that Gerald had applied for graduation this spring and had already RSVP'd 'yes' to the commencement ceremony, selecting the vegetarian meal option. In a related development, the Cornell financial aid office admitted Gerald had been receiving a full merit scholarship, which, per existing policy, cannot be revoked without a formal hearing. Gerald's attorney, reached by phone, responded with what witnesses described as 'extended chittering.'
As of press time, prosecutors confirmed Gerald had fled the campus with what appeared to be a tiny briefcase, and a warrant has been issued across all five boroughs and the greater tri-state arboreal region. Cornell University issued a statement saying it remains 'committed to academic integrity and to ensuring that all students, regardless of species, are held to the highest standards,' before quietly updating its admissions application to include the checkbox question: 'Are you, to the best of your knowledge, a squirrel?'
