Christina Applegate Reveals She Never Had MS — Doctors Now Believe She Is Simply 'Built Different'
Medical community shaken after leading neurologists confirm actress's nervous system is 'operating at a frequency we frankly don't have the paperwork for.'
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
LOS ANGELES — In a stunning reversal that has sent shockwaves through the medical establishment and at least three Facebook groups for people who own cats, actress Christina Applegate announced Monday that she has been officially misdiagnosed with multiple sclerosis, with doctors now concluding that what they were observing was not a degenerative neurological condition but rather what one Johns Hopkins researcher described as 'a body that is simply doing its own thing and we need to respect that.'
'We ran every test available to modern science,' said Dr. Phillip Grumstead, Chief of Neurology at the fictional but very prestigious Hartwell Institute for Things We Cannot Explain. 'Her nervous system responded to stimuli in ways that our equipment was not emotionally prepared for. At one point the MRI machine asked to take a break.'
Applegate, speaking at a press conference held inside a Whole Foods parking lot at her request, told reporters she was 'relieved but also not surprised,' adding that she had suspected something was off when her second opinion doctor simply handed her a business card that read 'Good Luck' and quietly left the building. She then confirmed she celebrated the news by eating an entire rotisserie chicken in her car, which sources close to her described as 'a power move of the highest order.'
The misdiagnosis has prompted widespread calls for reform within the medical community, with Senator Dale Krupchek of Ohio introducing emergency legislation requiring all neurologists to complete a mandatory 40-hour course titled 'Maybe She's Just Like That.' The bill is expected to pass with bipartisan support, largely because no one in Congress has read it and the title sounds encouraging.
Leading wellness influencer and self-described 'frequency architect' Bronwyn Saltz-Hemmings told Ramming Rhino News that she had personally predicted this outcome after studying Applegate's aura during a 2019 rerun of Married with Children. 'Kelly Bundy always had a seventh chakra that simply would not be diagnosed,' Saltz-Hemmings said, pausing to sell the interviewer a $94 candle. 'We saw this coming. The candle is bergamot.'
As of press time, Applegate's nervous system had reportedly issued a brief statement of its own, which read simply: 'We were fine. We have always been fine. Please stop poking us.'
