Carrefour Shares Plummet After CEO Admits He Has Been At War With A Pigeon Since February
French Retail Giant Warns Investors That The Pigeon, Referred To Internally As 'Gerard,' Has 'Significantly Disrupted' Operations At 47 Locations And Shows No Signs Of Negotiating
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
PARIS — Shares of French supermarket behemoth Carrefour fell 14% on Tuesday after the company issued a candid financial warning disclosing that an ongoing conflict with a single pigeon has ballooned into what analysts are now calling 'the most consequential bird-related business disruption since the Great Sparrow Incident of 1987, which we do not discuss.'
In a filing with the Paris stock exchange, Carrefour CEO Alexandre Bompard described the situation as 'fluid, deeply personal, and frankly humbling,' noting that Gerard — a medium-sized feral pigeon first spotted loitering near the Bordeaux location's prepared foods section — had successfully breached seventeen security upgrades, consumed an estimated €2.3 million in uncovered charcuterie, and was believed to be 'actively recruiting.'
'We attempted dialogue in March,' said Carrefour Head of Avian Relations Thierry Quelquechose, a title that did not exist four months ago. 'Gerard was not interested in dialogue. Gerard was interested in the smoked salmon. Gerard is always interested in the smoked salmon.' Quelquechose paused at length before adding, quietly, 'He knows what he is doing.'
The company's civil unrest warning, which sent institutional investors scrambling for the exits faster than a Carrefour shopper spotting a self-checkout with only one item ahead of them, also referenced disruptions in Gerard's extended network, which security footage suggests now includes two crows, a emotionally ambiguous seagull, and what one internal memo described only as 'the large one we do not approach directly.'
Market analysts at Duclos-Perrault Financial Group downgraded Carrefour stock to 'Sell' while privately admitting they found the whole situation 'extremely relatable.' Senior analyst Margaux Pintard noted in her report that 'while the pigeon threat is unorthodox, management's decision to construct a 400-square-meter decoy baguette as a deterrent suggests either visionary lateral thinking or a complete institutional breakdown, and at this point the distinction may not be financially meaningful.'
As of press time, Gerard had not responded to requests for comment, having spent the afternoon perched atop the Carrefour Paris-Sud flagship location, surveying his domain with what multiple witnesses described as 'an unsettling degree of satisfaction.'
