$40 Billion Buyout of Global Payments Completed Entirely in Coupons, Jar of Buttons

ATLANTA — In what financial analysts are calling the most significant transaction in the history of elastic waistbands, private equity firm Clayton, Dubilier & Rice formally completed its $40 billion acquisition of Global Payments Inc. on Thursday morning using a combination of expired Bed Bath & Beyond coupons, 14,000 assorted buttons, and what sources close to the deal described as 'a very confident handshake.' The deal, which had been rumored for weeks in financial circles and one particularly well-informed Applebee's booth, reportedly closed at 9:47 a.m. after a brief delay caused by a dispute over whether a Canadian Tire dollar counted as legal tender in an international merger.

'We are thrilled to welcome Global Payments into the CD&R family,' said firm Managing Director Brantley Huffington-Moose, speaking from behind a mahogany desk stacked entirely with Bed Bath & Beyond mailers. 'We believe strongly in the future of fintech, and we believe even more strongly in the future of the button economy. The jar alone has seventeen pearl ones. That's a premium asset.' Global Payments CEO Randolph T. Crumpler III confirmed the acquisition in a joint press release, adding that the company's 24,000 employees would be transitioned to button-based compensation 'effective immediately and with great enthusiasm.'

Wall Street responded to the news with cautious optimism, as shares of Global Payments rose 4.2 percent before analysts realized the trading platform had also been purchased and replaced with a corkboard and some thumbtacks. The Federal Reserve issued a brief statement acknowledging the transaction and noting that while button-based acquisitions fall outside traditional regulatory frameworks, the jar did appear to be 'quite full' and therefore 'probably systemically significant.' Three economists at Goldman Sachs quietly updated their models to include a Button-Adjusted Price Index, which they are calling the BAPI and which no one has asked them about.

Sources inside the negotiating room confirmed that talks nearly collapsed twice — once when a CD&R associate accidentally spent eleven coupons on a throw pillow, and again when the Global Payments legal team requested that the button jar be independently audited, only to discover that the auditing firm had itself been acquired for a Jamba Juice punch card and two functioning AAA batteries. 'Due diligence in this environment means you shake the jar,' explained Mergers & Acquisitions Correspondent Delia Forthwright of the Financial Structures Podcast No One Listens To. 'You listen for the rattle. If it rattles with confidence, you close.'

As of press time, CD&R had announced plans to expand Global Payments' processing network into fourteen new markets, pending approval from the button jar, which has so far remained noncommittal but is described by insiders as 'leaning yes.'