Bulgaria Elects Giant Decorative Rhinoceros As President After All Human Candidates 'Too Depressing'
The fiberglass mascot, known locally as 'Big Rumen,' received 74% of the vote after promising to 'just stand there and look better than the economy'
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
SOFIA, BULGARIA — In what international observers are calling 'the most rational decision made in European politics this decade,' Bulgarian citizens overwhelmingly elected a 14-foot fiberglass rhinoceros named Big Rumen to the nation's highest office on Tuesday, ending a heated presidential race in which every human candidate was formally disqualified by voters on the grounds of being 'a complete bummer.'
The election, which had been expected to hinge on concerns over economic hardship and the ongoing war in Ukraine, took an unexpected turn when Big Rumen — a decorative sculpture previously stationed outside a Sofia shopping mall — filed last-minute paperwork citing his 'thick skin, solid base, and zero opinions on NATO.' Exit polls confirmed that 91% of voters felt the rhinoceros 'listened better' than any living candidate.
'He just stands there,' said Valentina Hristova-Popova, 58, a retired schoolteacher who drove four hours to cast her ballot for the statue. 'He has never once called me on the telephone at dinner asking for money. This is the leadership Bulgaria needs.' Hristova-Popova added that Big Rumen also has 'very honest eyes,' which political analysts noted could not be technically disputed.
Reactions from the international community were swift. European Commission spokesperson Didier Fonteneau-Cloche held an emergency briefing in Brussels where he described the situation as 'constitutionally novel' and 'personally, a little bit of a relief, honestly.' Meanwhile, the Kremlin issued a statement saying it had 'concerns about the rhino's Western leanings,' pointing to the gold accent painted on Big Rumen's horn as evidence of foreign influence.
Big Rumen's inauguration is scheduled for next Thursday, pending approval from Bulgaria's Constitutional Court, which has reportedly asked only one clarifying question: whether the rhinoceros has any undisclosed financial ties to the shopping mall. His chief of staff, a retired zookeeper named Bogomil Stranchev who holds the official title of Senior Horn Interpreter, confirmed in a press release that Big Rumen has no comment at this time, nor at any future time, which the office described as 'a refreshing change of pace.' Stranchev added that the President-Elect's first executive order will be to 'continue standing.'
