Spain's High-Speed Train Derails After Conductor Refuses To Stop Asking For Directions
Seventeen carriages, one stubborn man, and a laminated map from 1987 are at the center of Europe's most preventable infrastructure incident.
Image: Ramming Rhino News / Definitely Real Photography Dept.
MADRID — Spanish authorities confirmed Tuesday that a high-speed AVE train carrying 340 passengers careened off its designated route and into the coastal town of Besalú after the train's conductor, 58-year-old Rodrigo Plementas, refused for the eleventh consecutive hour to acknowledge that he was, in the words of one transportation official, 'spectacularly, historically lost.' The train, which departed Barcelona at 7:42 AM bound for Seville, was last seen on official radar somewhere near France before making what Plementas later described as 'a confident shortcut.'
Passengers reported growing unease around the third hour when the in-cabin announcement system played smooth jazz for forty uninterrupted minutes before Plementas came on the intercom to assure everyone that the mountains outside were 'probably decorative.' A retired geography teacher in car six reportedly attempted to intervene but was told by Plementas that her concerns were 'very cute.' She has since written a memoir.
'We had GPS, we had radio contact, we had a laminated route map bolted to the dashboard,' said Deputy Rail Commissioner Fernanda Oschito at a Tuesday press conference, visibly exhausted in the way that only a person who has spent forty-eight hours explaining something obvious can be. 'Rodrigo covered the GPS with his lunch.'
Plentas, speaking from what witnesses describe as an impressively unrepentant posture, told reporters that the crash landing into the town fountain was 'within acceptable parameters' and that he had, technically, delivered the train to a location in Spain, fulfilling what he called 'the spirit of the ticket.' Legal analysts note this argument is unlikely to succeed but admit it is, on some level, geometrically defensible.
The European Rail Safety Commission announced it will convene an emergency summit next month to discuss the incident, tentatively titled 'On Listening: A Seminar For Men.' Spain's Minister of Transport called the event 'overdue in several sectors.' Plementas has reportedly already submitted a speaker proposal.
At press time, seventeen passengers who missed connecting flights had formed a support group, a local churro vendor reported his best sales quarter in a decade, and the town of BesalĂş quietly updated its Wikipedia page to include the word 'terminus.'
